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There are many types of roles in families, some of which affect us more than others. “Primary roles” are a broad overview of how you fit into your family, such as the “breadwinner” or the stay-at-home parent. “Secondary roles” are based on more specific tasks, and define roles like the family cook, handyman, and gardener.
“Systemic roles” are the family roles that we take on when we’re children, and they tend to stay with us. Many people still live in their systemic roles long after they’ve grown up and left home. Our family members place us in particular systemic roles from the time we’re young children without consciously realising that they’ve done so. Those roles have a strong influence on the way our personalities develop, and many people even start feeling like their systemic role is their personality (or a big part of it).
The five most common systemic roles
There are five main systemic roles that tend to appear in families. Not every family will have all five, and sometimes one person can take on more than one role.
- The Caretaker
As the name suggests, the caretaker takes care of the rest of the family, both emotionally and physically. When they’re old enough, they may manage many of the practical matters of keeping the family cared for, such as preparing food, making sure the children are bathed, doing the laundry, and taking care of sick family members. Caretakers often take on too much responsibility and other family members become dependent on them. They put their own needs last, sometimes becoming emotionally and physically unwell because they’re using all their energy looking after other people.
- The Hero
The hero is the “spokesperson”, or the public face, for the family. Heros receive a lot of praise from their involvement in activities with their schools, churches, sports clubs, or other community organisations. They’re “over-achievers” and attempt to be “perfect” in everything they do. Heros neglect their own needs and do whatever they can to please others. If they’re not viewed as perfect, they may feel guilty and their self-esteem is likely to plummet. Heros often develop stress-related problems.
- The Scapegoat
Scapegoats are often known as the “black sheep”. They act out and defiantly disobey the rules. Scapegoats are highly visible, so all the attention turns to them while the family’s other problems are pushed into the background. Scapegoats usually end up accepting the blame for everything that goes wrong in a family. They often have low self-esteem and have self-defeating thoughts and behaviours. Many scapegoats develop compulsions or substance abuse issues.
- The Lost Child
When family problems arise, the lost children shut down emotionally and retreat into their own internal world. Lost children tend to avoid conflict as much as possible and express their emotions only minimally. They’re usually very obedient and well mannered, and almost always do what’s expected of them regardless of how they feel about it. Lost children have trouble coping with stressful situations and conflict. They often have low self-esteem and may not get a great deal of enjoyment out of life.
- The Mascot
Mascots are the clowns of the family, using humour and stunts to defuse stress or distract family members from uncomfortable situations. They tend to cover up their emotions, even in serious circumstances, with humour and jokes. Mascots want to be the centre of attention. They feel the need to calm and pacify others. In using their energy to distract other people from their problems, mascots tend not to deal with their own issues or needs.
Which roles did you play in your family? Are you still in those roles?
Counselling and psychotherapy can help you take a closer look at your systemic roles and how they may still be affecting you today. If you live in Melbourne and would like to undertake counselling please contact the team at Paul the Counsellor.
0458 090 687
paulthecounsellor@gmail.com
253 Lonsdale St, Melbourne VIC 3000