The words “Happy Mother’s Day” seem to be everywhere at this time of year, filling billboards, radio advertisements, and shop displays.
While Mother’s Day is a time of happy celebration for many people, for others it is a time of suffering.
Mother’s Day has the potential to trigger a flood of memories and strong emotions for people who have had painful experiences associated with motherhood. Anger, sadness, and grief are not uncommon reactions to Mother’s Day. People who are struggling on Mother’s Day often feel isolated because of the multitude of joyous messages around them.
There are many potential events that could lead to a difficult experience of Mother’s Day. Some of them include:
- Death (of Mother or Child)
For people whose mothers have died, Mother’s Day could bring on a wave of grief and all the emotions that go with it. Likewise, if mothers have lost a child, Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of their child’s death. Women who have miscarried may be grieving the loss of a child they expected to become part of their lives.
- Infertility
Mother’s Day can be extremely difficult for people who want children but have been unable to conceive. Sometimes women in that position feel very alone on Mother’s Day, as if they’re the only one without children. The holiday can trigger feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. The constant Mother’s Day advertisements may become an ongoing source of pain, “rubbing in” the fact that they are not mothers.
- Pregnancy Termination
Women who have had pregnancy terminations may find themselves revisiting the event on Mother’s Day. Although everyone’s situation is different, often people go through a roller coaster of emotions both before and after terminations. Those feelings may be opened afresh, especially if there was ambivalence around the decision or if the event itself was a traumatic experience.
- Adoption
Mother’s Day can bring up a barrage of difficult emotions for people who have been affected by adoption.
Adoptees may have a heightened struggle with issues of identity on Mother’s Day, as well as feelings of anger, sadness, and grief. Birth mothers who have relinquished their children for adoption may have a sense of loss on Mother’s Day or be preoccupied with wondering what has become of their child. Adoptive parents may be trying to support their adopted child through the difficulties they’re experiencing, as well as grappling with feelings of being “enough” in their role as parents when they are only one of two sets of parents. They may also feel some guilt about experiencing difficulty alongside their gratitude and joy about adopting.
Adoption creates complex relationships and emotional experiences, all of which may be heightened during holidays celebrating familial relationships. Everyone touched by adoption is likely to have a different reaction to holidays like Mother’s Day, and may feel alone in their emotional turmoil.
- Estrangement
People who are estranged from their families may find Mother’s Day to be an emotionally taxing occasion. Estrangement may be a choiceful disconnection, or it may be the result of being separated due to circumstances like war or other traumatic events. Mother’s Day may bring up feelings of loss both for children and for their mothers. Each person may experience a sense of longing for what the mother-child relationship could have been.
In some cases, people are able to share their painful experiences of Mother’s Day with loved ones and get some support for what they’re feeling. In other cases, people experience disenfranchised grief and feel unable to be supported (see our post on disenfranchised grief for more about the pain of grieving alone).
Mother’s Day can be a joyful time, but can also be a time of sadness. Recognising that old issues or feelings may be triggered around the holiday can help you prepare to weather the storm. Engaging in self-care and showing compassion for yourself at this time can be a great support for getting through a difficult period. If you’re experiencing grief or other emotional difficulties around Mother’s Day, counselling can also be a useful support to help see you through.
If you or someone you love is having a tough time around Mother’s Day, the team at Paul the Counsellor can help. Our counsellors provide confidential, supportive, non-judgemental counselling and psychotherapy in the Melbourne CBD.